it was all a fucking lie
every single “i love you”
all the nights we spent together.
it meant nothing to you.
and you said you were sorry.
but you’re not.
you left me when i was crying for help.
you took every last bit of hope i had and set it on fire.
so fuck you.
fuck you for making me believe
that there was something there,
when you know there wasn’t.
you make me sick.
but you taught me a valuable lesson,
cheaters will always be cheaters.
i didn’t realize
i was in love with her
until she started hurting
and it broke me to pieces.
her eyes filled with tears
and i felt every part of me shatter.
her sadness made me want to give her
every sliver of happiness i have.
i want to give her the world.
i want to see her smile
and hear her laugh.
i want to hold her hand
and tell her she’s beautiful.
i want her to show her she’s worth
so much more
than how she feels.
but sexuality is a road block.
for all i know, she doesn’t see me
in the same light i see her.
she is a goddess
and i’m just her best friend.
i guess i’ll just admire her from afar.
until then, i’ll never let her forget
that she’s worth something
and she deserves the world.
v.w.
5.10.19
my clothes smell like you.
songs remind me of you.
when i can’t sleep at night
all i want
is to wrap my arms around you.
but you’re not here,
and you’re not there.
you’ve moved on
and you’re tired of hearing about it.
my name stings your tongue
and fills you with hatred.
you said you loved me,
but i’m beginning to see
that it was all a lie.
you never wanted me.
you wanted someone to fuck.
and i’m sorry for being brutal
but you fucked me up.
i gave you my whole heart
and in return,
i received nothing.
you never showed affection.
you never said i love you.
you never gave me the time of day
to prove that i was worth something.
and i want you to know
that now that you’re gone,
i will be too.
but much farther away.
ill be sitting among the nymphs,
watching you,
protecting you.
because even though
you wasted months of my life,
i loved you
and i would never
wish harm upon you.
i hope you’re happier now,
because i know
that soon enough,
i’ll be happier too.
v.w.
4.19.19
you put up walls
i can feel ties breaking
am i really worth your time
do you really want me around
i only want you to be happy
but i feel like i’m not providing that
we don’t share the same energy anymore
or maybe it’s just off
but either way
i feel like a burden to you
i honestly believe
that you’re going to leave me
soon
i feel like this was a breaking point
and now you’re over it
and you want to love me
but you can’t
you don’t feel the desire to
there’s no spark
you seem so distant.
i slept on my own last night.
you were by my side
but you were facing the other way
you didn’t hold me like you usually do
you didn’t kiss me
or tell me you loved me
and yet again
i’m laying here by myself
while you face the other direction
do you still want me around
am i still worth something to you
v.w.
3.24.19
i’ve never felt like i was alone while i was with you
but something changed
you put up walls
and you felt distant
and suddenly i realized
you don’t love me
every time
i say it
you ignore me
i can see the end coming
the end of the tunnel is dark
and it’s lonely
and you’re not there
3.25.19
v.w
the water had turned a deep rusty color
and her cuts throbbed as she stepped out of the bath onto the cold tile floor
she examined what she had done
regret filled her heart
but she knew she couldn’t stop
as the night ticked on, she found more reasons to hate herself, more reasons to drive a blade into her skin and leave herself bleeding on the floor.
crimson rain fell to the ground and splattered with incredible elegance. she watched as the skin parted and silver flesh turned to a beautiful wine color.
the surrounding skin turned pink and became irritated.
she felt the wounds with her finger tips. surveying the depth of the cut and the width of the marks she had just left on her skin. she enjoyed looking at how far the deep cuts split her forearms open.
she dare not show or tell anyone about these nights. but they would find out, as she would soon be in the hospital, with many people wondering why..
(tw)
i miss the feeling
of driving a blade
into my skin
and tearing the layers apart.
i miss the feeling
of the sting
once the cuts have been made.
i miss the feeling
of blood
dripping down my arm
into a crimson pool
beside my bed.
there was so much
satisfaction
that came with
hurting myself.
i still feel as if
i deserve it.
i do these things
to myself
so i can feel
something.
anything.
